One of the biggest barriers to freedom in life is the inability to get along with others, especially in the long term.  Steps 8 and 9 (with help from 4 and 5) can be of great value in terms of our ability to get along with others and have successful relationships.

The key in all the self reflection, and all the inner searching, is the "our part."  For it is only when we can honestly (and without blame) look at our part that any healing can happen, and it is only when our own healing happens that we can successfully navigate the twists and turns of relationships.  And experience personal freedom and happiness.

Looking at our part does not mean looking for blame.  There is a huge difference between blame and personal responsibility.  Blame continues the problem, and even makes it worse.  Blame makes victims of us.  If we are hurt by someone, we need to deal with the issues brought up by the hurt.  Continuing to blame the other simply makes us victims, over and over again.  They only hurt us once, we hurt ourselves over and over again when we blame.  Looking at our part honestly allows us to look at our part, take personal responsibility for our own stuff and heal.  Continuing to blame only exacerbates the problem.

I said in my book that much of our training has sucked.  This is another area where our training has sucked.  When things go wrong, we, both personally and as a society,  point fingers and blame.  What if, instead, we looked at our own part and took responsibility, and left everyone else alone to do the same?  Wouldn't life be much better?  When disaster happens, wouldn't it be more productive to stop the blame game and instead look at solutions, how we can make it better and prevent it from happening again?

So, the "our part" of the process means we look at our reactions to things, we look at our own patterns in life, especially patterns of thinking; we look at our stories and history and how we have allowed those stories and that history to affect how we behave today.  And we take personal responsibility by changing those patterns, learning to react in different ways to the same things, and not blaming others.  We don't say the story never happened.  We say its ability to affect us has gone away.

So step 4 asks us to look at where we were fearful, and behind that fear, where we acted in ways that created harm, to ourselves or to others.  We may have been selfish, or dishonest, or simply thought the entire universe revolved around us.  We do all sorts of things behind such thinking and ways of being.  In step 5, we share our fears and behaviors with another.  In step 8 we figure out (if it isn't already apparent) what we did that was harmful, and in step 9 we set things right.  We don't apologize, although that sometimes may be a part of it.  Instead, we set things right by not repeating the behavior and by cleaning up any messes we have created.

Whether you are a New Thought person, or a 12 stepper, or a combination of both, you can use this process to free yourself from limitation in your life, what the Big Book of AA calls the "bondage of self."

Blame simply creates more victimization, of you and of me.  Personal responsibility creates freedom and peace of mind.

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